A horoscope from The Onion today:
CANCER. June 22-July 22
The position of the stars, phase of the moon, and orbital paths of the planets will have absolutely no bearing on your life this week. Enjoy the feeling of being in complete control of your actions while it lasts.
LIBRA. September 23-October 23
You will ignore the voice of reason once again this week, but that’s only because it’s gone hoarse and grown nearly inaudible over the years.
And an article on a study finding that drunk humans do not fare better than sober ones against alligators:
"Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an alligator into a docile creature that enjoys wrestling" …